AP – Washington, D.C., May 31, 2008
Hillary Clinton was declared officially insane today, along with Harold Ickes and some other of her closest advisors. Unfortunately no one has yet to inform them. The nominee hopeful was determined to see the Florida delegation seated in full with full votes intact. When the delegation was indeed seated in full but their votes were halved, she and her advisors suddenly thought they somehow got what they wanted. Perhaps they were hoping no one noticed their change in strategy if they pretended they did indeed win. But somehow everyone did notice, and thus the ruling on their mental health.
If that wasn’t a sign the Clinton camp took full leave of their faculties, the results of the Michigan ruling sealed the deal. When Hillary was denied four delegates (or in actual fact two, because the delegation’s voting power, as with Florida, was cut in two) she went ballistic. FOUR DELEGATES?! She could WIN with four delegates! How dare the RBC change the will of the people and give those to Obama, the Black Muslim terrorist racial misogynist who attends a radically crazy Christian church! She declared through puppet-boy Ickes, and then released the exact same statement immediately concluding the proceedings, “I reserve the right to take this to the Credentials Committee, because I’ve been robbed and it’s obvious if I’m given four more delegates, Obama will collapse and die and I’ll stand on his rotted corpse and scream victory to the heavens, backed by 40 million post-menopausal women, as I’m crowned and given the title of Saint Mother President of the United States who loves her groveling downtrodden children for whom I fight with every sacred righteous breath and bone in my suffering but adored body.” Interviewed later, Clinton broke into a rousing rendition of “You Must Love Me” from the Evita soundtrack.
When asked to comment, the Credentials Committee could not be reached. However, a DNC insider informed us that apparently the committee has dissolved itself and is hiding out in the Cayman Islands till post Nov. 7.
Tomorrow the Obama campaign is expected to announce that they are going to generously donate to the Clinton campaign four delegates just to see if she can turn water into wine. When Ickes was informed of this he said, “How dare he. We don’t need appeasement.” He then began foaming at the mouth and convulsed on the ground, stunning even his associates at hand, who looked the other way hoping no one would notice, as cameras rolled.
When the Clinton camp was asked for further comment, Bill Clinton came to the defense of his wife, saying, if he cannot guarantee her this victory she’s going to curtail all his extracurricular activity, so he just wants the American public to know how much is at stake in her getting the nomination. And of course she’s the most qualified to be Wacko-in-Chief.
UPDATE: Sporting a “Vote McCain” button, Hillary vows we’re one big happy unified family. Or we will be this fall. Or by 2012. Or sometime down the road at any rate…. Maybe. But wait and see.
1 Comment
June 1, 2008 at 9:22 am
Great blog. We need some humor right about now, because this whole mess is getting really sad.
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