On his way to the dairy case: “Now this much I know. THAT’S a pineapple.”

Republican big cheese John McCain attacked Democratic criticism that he misstated when the troop Surge ordered by President Bush began, saying elements were put in place before Bush announced the strategy in early 2007.

Standing in front of rows of hanging cheese in a supermarket in Pennsylvania, McGouda said “the surge” was actually “made up of a number of components,” some of which began before the president’s order for more troops. Is it so difficult to understand the surge began before the surge began? He emphasized that most Americans understand this.

It’s all a matter of semantics, he suggested.

You say HaVARti, I say HavarTI… You say muenster, I say…damn that Obama in Germany!

Meanwhile Kraft marketing execs were thrilled McProcessed gave their hanging slices a photo-op.

Rielle Hunter: Mother of supposed Edwards love baby?

Yes, the National Enquirer is accusing John Edwards of having an affair with a woman and fathering her child. For anyone hoping Edwards might be Obama’s VP choice… well, kiss that idea bye-bye.

We’re still waiting on some solid proof from the ol’ Tattler, but here’s what the Opinion page of the LA Times has to say:

Barack Obama’s VP shortlist might have gotten shorter: The National Enquirer yesterday published a story claiming it had caught John Edwards meeting with an alleged mistress and illegitimate child. Then again, the Enquirer hasn’t been able to produce quotes, photos or even eyewitness accounts. And the mainstream media seems to be ignoring it, for the most part.

TalkLeft, among others, hopes it isn’t true. And thus far, the claims don’t seem to have hurt Edwards politically — although the Corner has something worth noting:

…after first seeming to take himself out of the running, he put himself back in the race two weeks ago, telling NPR, “I’m prepared to seriously consider anything, anything [Obama] asks me to do for our country.”

But yesterday — the day the Enquirer story went live — the Rocky Mountain News reported, “former Sen. John Edwards told a Denver audience Tuesday that now he’s plunged into a new kind of campaign, ‘to end poverty as we know it in a generation.’”

Wonkette, in its own way, expresses exhaustion at the thought of another Edwards story:

The important question is not “Why is John Edwards cheating on his wife who had cancer?” We know that answer: He’s a Democratic politician. They have affairs with ladies. The important question is “Why do we have to hear about this again now?”

The answer is “Because a tabloid caught him with the mistress and the baby at a hotel!” A love child? Jesus! Bill Clinton must feel a million years old tonight. Joe Klein, too.

Pajamas Media plays savvier-than-thou:

Oh, one last thing, for those of you who say it’s The National Enquirer, how do we know it’s true? I suggest you Google the “National Enquirer and OJ Simpson.” They broke most of the important stories on that case. In general, these days they’re vastly more reliable than The New York Times.

But Outside the Beltway interrupts, “Indeed, the Enquirer breaks legitimate scandals all the time.  But they run with all manner of nonsense too — they just don’t care so long as they sell papers.” It goes on:

Edwards has been widely touted for another run as vice president, although I can’t see why he’d want to go through that again, especially with his wife in ill health.  Certainly, those facts would make the scandal worse, if true.  Frankly, I hope it isn’t.

Ditto.

From The Huffington Post and The Washington Post:

BAGHDAD, Iraq (CNN) — Kamal was just 16 when gunmen snatched him off the streets of Baghdad, stuffed him in the trunk of a car and whisked him away to a house. But the real terror was about to begin.

The men realized he was gay, Kamal said, when he took his shirt off and they saw his chest was shaved.

“They told me to take off my clothes to rape me or they would kill me immediately. This moment was the worst moment in my life,” he told CNN, weeping as he spoke of the 2005 ordeal.

“I was watching them taking off their clothes, preparing to rape me. I did not know what to do, so I started shouting loudly, ‘Please do not do that! I will ask my family to give you whatever you want.’”

His pleas went unheeded. “The other two kidnappers took off my clothes by force and, at that time, I saw them as three dirty animals trying to tear my body apart.”

He was held for 15 days, released only after his family paid a $1,500 ransom. He was raped every day. Only once, he said, was he allowed to talk to his family during captivity. “I told my family that I was beaten by them, but I did not dare to tell my family that I was raped by them. I could not say it, it’s too much shame.”

CNN spoke with Kamal, now 18, and his 21-year-old friend, Rami, about what it’s like to be gay in Iraq. Coming out as gay is not easy in any country, but to do so in Iraq could mean a death sentence or torture.

The two men rarely show feelings toward each other in public. They spend a lot of time in Internet cafes in Baghdad, surfing gay chat rooms and seeking contacts with other gay men in Iraq and elsewhere.

Since the fall of Saddam Hussein in 2003, the situation for gays and lesbians in Iraq has deteriorated. Ridiculed under Hussein, many now find themselves the targets of violence, according to humanitarian officials.

Lesbians are also victims of harassment and violence, but not nearly as often as gay men.

It’s unknown how many homosexuals have been killed by militias in the lawless streets of Iraq’s cities, but some Web sites post pictures of Iraqis they say were killed for being gay.

One photo on the Iraqi Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender site shows a group of men standing around three male bodies sprawled on a street, blood pouring from their heads. “Gay Iraqi victims of the police and death squads,” the site says.

A U.N. report on human rights in Iraq reinforces the accusations of violence. Although gays are supposed to be protected by law in Iraq, it says, they face extreme brutality.

“Armed Islamic groups and militias have been known to be particularly hostile toward homosexuals, frequently and openly engaging in violent campaigns against them,” the report said, adding that homosexuals have been murdered.

“Militias are reportedly threatening families of men believed to be homosexual, stating that they will begin killing family members unless the men are handed over or killed by the family,” it said.

The report was issued at the end of 2006 and is the last U.N. study to touch on the subject.

Human rights experts say homosexuals are targeted for cultural reasons as well.

“Gay men and lesbians in Iraq face a lot of risks right now, because homosexuality is sometimes interpreted by people in Iraq as being a Western import,” said Scott Portman with the Heartland Alliance, a group that promotes human rights worldwide. “So they can sometimes be targeted by insurgent groups or militias, in part, because of animosity toward the West and, in part, because homosexuality is not well-accepted in Iraqi society.”

He added, “The biggest threats right now are from militia organizations, who will attack and actually sometimes kill gay men and women.”

Kamal and Rami say the dangers are all too real in Baghdad — and they live in secrecy not to shame their families.

“I would rather commit suicide than allow my family to find out I am gay,” Rami said.

Kamal said he often pretends to have girlfriends in social settings and tells his friends he’s dating girls. “I am also careful with the way I dress — not to show them that I am gay, especially my family.”

What would his family do if they found out?

“They will force me to give it up, and I cannot do that,” he said. “The ‘normal’ people cannot live in Iraq. Imagine how the life is for gays.”

Rami added, “I do not know why people hate gays even though so many have this tendency. But still they hate it.”

Homosexuality is a touchy subject for many Iraqis. When CNN asked Iraqis in Baghdad how they felt about homosexuals, we found intolerance to be widespread.

One man said he considers gays no different from “criminals and terrorists.” Another claimed homosexuality was “illegal under Islamic law, and they [gays] should be punished by law like criminals.”

Rami said he once fell in love with a man who was part of the Mehdi Army, a Shiite insurgent group loyal to the radical anti-American cleric Muqtada al-Sadr.

Their relationship eventually soured.

“One day he told me he would come over to my house and kill me in front of my family,” Rami said. “I told him I would come outside and be killed in the street because I do not want my family to find out I am gay.”

Both men hope to escape Iraq. They say their ideal destination would be San Francisco, California. For now, both of them keep their feelings secret.

Kamal is still tormented by what happened to him nearly three years ago.

“During my sleep, I only see nightmares and I start crying. My family thought it was because they were beating me.”

He paused, “Only my close friend Rami knows about this secret.”

“I’m gonna f*ckin’ kill them”

This is a good reason why some children should be allowed to divorce their parents. I’m sure Apple Paltrow would like to hurl a ripe McIntosh right back into her mother’s eye. And Number 16 Bus Shelter? Come on, that’s ridiculous. Number 11 Bus Shelter, yes, Number 16, that’s outrageous!

(CNN) — A New Zealand judge has made a 9-year-old girl a ward of the court so that her name can be changed from Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii, the country’s national news agency reported Thursday.

Family Court Judge Rob Murfitt listed a series of unusual names that New Zealand parents had given their children, and said he was concerned that such strange monikers would create hurdles for them as they grew up.

“It makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap,” the New Zealand Press Association quoted the judge as saying.

Among the names Murfitt cited: twins named Benson and Hedges — after a brand of cigarettes; Violence; and Number 16 Bus Shelter.

Some parents had named children after six-cylinder Ford cars, the news agency reported.

The Registrar General of Births, Deaths and Marriages said in a statement that it had rejected names including Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Stallion, Twisty Poi — a staple food in Polynesian cuisine — and Sex Fruit.

A lawyer for Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii said the girl is so embarrassed by her name that friends know her as “K.”

Last month, an judge in the U.S. state of Illinois allowed a school bus driver to legally change his first name to “In God” and his last name to “We Trust.”

But an appeals court in the state of New Mexico ruled against a man — named Variable — who wanted to change his name to a two-word phrase that contains a four-letter expletive and expresses opposition to censorship.

“Honey, you know I love you, but we can’t be seen in public together.”

Dana Perino, the White House press secretary announced that Bush will address the Republican convention in St. Paul on its opening night (Labor Day), “which is traditionally when the incumbent speaks.’’

But the real question is, will Bush and McCain appear TOGETHER? If the two are seen on stage with Bush passing the torch, will he light McCain on fire and burn him to the ground for good?

The McCain camp has said there are no plans for the men to appear together before the election. But does that include the convention? And what about fundraisers?

My guess is that McCain will forgo the “photo-op” with Bush in order to try to at least distance himself a little from the President and his abysmal approval rating.

Now, the next big question: is Romboid the choice for VP?

“We like each other, we really do!!!”

“Why do people think I’m a shithead?”

Washington, D.C., July 23, 2008 - Journalist Robert Novak hit a pedestrian with his car in the nation’s capital Wednesday morning and continued driving, “unaware” he had hit someone.

When stopped by a bicycle rider, Novak said, “I didn’t know I hit anybody.”

He then added, “Is the man hurt as much as when I “unknowingly” threw Valerie Plame under the bus? Hmm, I seem to have a sizable blind spot.”

The bicyclist did tell reporters that the man was splayed across the hood of Novak’s car. It would be a bit hard to miss him.

“Sir, a pyramid’s a little big. You see, come January 21, I’ll be living alone.”

In a Texas fundraiser July 18, Bush asked the gathering to turn their cameras off and then proceeded to say how Wall Street (aren’t they supposed to be his buds?) is to blame for the economy:

“There’s no question about it. Wall Street got drunk —that’s one of the reasons I asked you to turn off the TV cameras — it got drunk and now it’s got a hangover. The question is how long will it sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments.”

What the hell does the last part of that sentence even mean? Maybe he’s the one a little hungover. And God forbid he should ever take some responsibility for the mess the economy is in and the mortgage crisis.

Speaking of which…

W added that Laura is house-hunting in Dallas. I don’t think he’s gotten the hint that in January she’ll be there and he’ll be banished to Crawford with the cow dung.

Oh yes, and someone didn’t turn their camera off in order to capture it all:

This one we know is a satire. Because John can still walk unassisted and Cindy is not an addict (any longer).

For New Yorker cover, click here.

“I am so lost I don’t know what to say or do.”

“He’d like troops to come home earlier than 16 months if the conditions allow it,” said Congresswoman Heather Wilson of New Mexico, on a conference call with reporters. “Senator Obama has said it’s a 16-month timeline no matter what.”

Thought you were staying in to “win”.

Sorry dude, but Obama trumped you on this one. Best not to make yourself look any sillier than you are.

Read post here.